Here’s to kicking off the new year tantrum-free! We can dream, right?!? 

This week we’re once again talking about tantrums— how to prevent them, and if that fails, how to stop them. Our expert this week, social worker Mariel Benjamin, says the number one thing for parents to do while their kids are spiraling is to remain calm.

ASK AN EXPERT: Avoiding tantrums before they start

Mariel Benjamin is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 15 years of experience at Mount Sinai Medical Center working with families and children. She’s also the Director of Groups at Cooper: Cooper Parenting Groups provide personalized and practical solutions to navigate the everyday parenting challenges.

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Let’s start with a quick refresher on what exactly causes a tantrum – 

Tantrums come from a combination of weak skills and big feelings. Strong wills and weak skills meet in a tantrum. It’s a child saying: “I want to have control in some area and I can’t, so I tantrum.” They are developmentally appropriate. 

Is that why you recommend having EMPATHY for your child if they’re having a tantrum? 

Yes. Try to look at a tantrum, not as a misbehavior, but instead, as just being so dysregulated. It feels to them what it looks like to you. They’re totally out of control and they may not even know why. 

At what ages do you mostly see tantrums? 

The peak tantrum age is three. They start at two, peak at three, and start to reduce in frequency at four. But older kids also have tantrums. Like my 11-year-old can also tantrum when she’s hungry and tired. 

What’s the best way to deal with tantrums? 

For one, try to avoid them! Think about the triggers for your individual child. Can you notice some patterns? The number one is hungry and tired. Hangry is a real thing. 

But there are plenty of examples– like if you go to a museum, and the museum ends in the gift shop, and you know every time you go to a gift shop and don’t buy your child a gift, you know that that’s a trigger. For some kids, when it’s time to leave a birthday party it could trigger a tantrum, so you can approach those times differently. 

And if you can’t avoid the tantrum, what’s the best way to deal with it? 

The number one thing is that you have to be calm. You can’t help a dysregulating person become regulated if YOU are dysregulated. Because as social creatures we regulate ourselves according to the people around us. Say to yourself – there’s only room here for one person to have a tantrum. And you can make your body available. Say, “I’m here, I know you’re upset, I’m here if you need a hug.”

What do you make of the gentle parenting trend? 

Gentle parenting would have you validate feelings – “Yes, you wanted that toy and I know that’s really frustrating, and they can’t have it.” But then you just need to keep them calm. 

Easier said than done! Any tips for helping the kids calm down? 

Depending on the age of the child, you can use a distraction. For a kid that’s older, you can say, ‘Why don’t you go, take a moment and do something that’s calming for you.” You need to figure out what will make them calm. But you cannot give in, because you’ll teach them that tantrums are successful.